Emotional Cost
by S. Mark Gunther
Summary: When honor is subjective, and nothing is set in stone, when does facing your fear get you in deeper peril? Gosukugi faces this.... (Possibly a sequel in the works, your feedback will make it possible!)


Emotional Costs  
By S. Mark Gunther  
  
The hospital room lay silent and shut, the soft setting sun from the Japanese horizon casting ominous shadows in the corners. A staccato beat from the heart monitor and the other various machines resonated along the shallow walls like a symphony of pain and misery. A body lay silent along the length of the bed, bandages and wrapping surrounding his head and face. He looked like any young man who would be in the hospital except he had intense sets of bags and shadows underneath his eyes. The features in his face that gleamed in the soft setting sunlight gave off a glow of agony and tortured pain, a veritable Rosetta stone of hard times.  
  
The boy opened his eyes after a great struggle and looked around groggily, his movements slow and measured as he tried to make sense of his surroundings. A shockwave of pain raced through his body and he tried to sit up but the agony was too pungent for him to bear. That's when he heard the voice...  
  
"So, you've finally woken up."  
  
"Huh..." he said dreamily as he tried to focus in to the source of the sound. "Who...is this..." His voice sounded low and pained, like he was trying to speak in a stranglehold of emotions and physical torment.  
  
"This is Nabiki Tendo, and I was just remarking on the fact that you've finally woken up out of your sleep." The voice came closer and the boy could hear the scraping of a set of chair legs moving towards his bedside. He turned his head with great difficulty and saw the trade marked brown eyes of the woman who formerly had used him for nothing more then a hired servant. "I wanted to see how you were doing, Gosunkugi..."  
  
"Why?" he rasped, his voice anguished and forced, his breathing coming in struggled gasps. "You need some more information about me so you can blackmail me?"  
  
"What gain would I have to blackmail someone who was beaten like you were? I'm a businesswoman, not a sadist." Her voice resonated a kind of cold compassion, an almost mortician-like efficiency. Gosunkugi couldn't help but shake his head as he took in the absurdity of her words, and then winced as another pain burst shot through his ravaged frame.  
  
"I'm glad to hear you're not driven by greed today. Only, what happened to me?"  
  
"You mean, you don't remember?" Nabiki blinked as she breathed the words she feared the most.  
  
"No. I don't remember what happened to me."  
  
"What do you remember last?"  
  
"Well," Gosunkugi horsed, "I remember telling Kuno what I thought about him and his obsessions...and then I don't remember anything until now." His eyes fluttered softly as he tried to remain conscious and alert. The drugs rushing through his system made him feel almost lethargic in his movements and yet with a great and painful effort he sat up and looked at the middle Tendo daughter. She looked back at him with a set of doctors' eyes; compassionate yet efficient, tender yet precise. "What happened to me, Nabiki?"  
  
"It's like this, Gosunkugi..." As Nabiki spoke to him about what had caused him to now occupy a bed in the hell he was bound to, a cold realization flowed over him. A lake of emotional water was poured down his back by the evil gods and demons of fate as he listened. He realized that his emotions had caused the state he was now in.  
  
He had not stopped to count the emotional cost.  
  
*****  
  
Gosunkugi looked into the mirror above the sink and smiles. Today was going to be the day. He was finally going to summon up enough courage and tell Akane Tendo how he felt. He was finally going to stop being a wimp and just try his luck. With a final smooth down of his hair, he walked into his room and picked up his books. He knew that she'd probably say no to him, but it didn't matter. He had to try.  
  
The walk to school was faster then normal considering that he didn't stop for breakfast, despite his mother's warning about the lack of energy he'd have. Gosunkugi didn't care. He had acquired love to survive on, and he had an entire morning to try to win her heart. Soon he was at the entrance of the school and he put his books down and waited. He didn't have to wait long before he saw Ranma and Akane coming towards the school, their faces looking oddly joyous and bright, not angry and hurried like normal. Gosunkugi put this out of his mind and charged forward with his plan.  
  
"Akane!" he called out, walking towards them but stopping a few steps later, "Can I talk to you for a moment?"  
  
"Huh?" Akane stopped and looked toward the oddly misshapen boy that stood in front of her in the near distance. "Me?"  
  
"Yes. It'll just be for a moment." Gosunkugi smiled as he saw Akane walk forward, Ranma a few steps behind her. He smiles as warmly as he could at the girl as she stopped just in front of him and yet still a few feet away. "I..."  
  
"What, Gosunkugi? I'm almost late," Akane, said hurriedly, her foot tapping slightly on the pavement.  
  
"Well, I wanted to know if you'd go out with me tomorrow night to the new Ah! Megami Sama movie. I have the money to take an extra person, and I figured it might as well be you." He smiled sheepishly yet confidently, his face breaking into a look of pure joy that masked the quavering fear in his heart. The earthquakes of self-doubt in his mind rumbled louder and larger then ever as he observed Akane's face go from a shocked state of surprise to an almost regretful glare.  
  
"Um, I think you're sweet and all, but I already have a date for tomorrow night..." Akane said as she looked into Ranma's eyes, her own eyes glowing a surprisingly bright shade of ecstasy. Ranma merely grinned back at her and shot a rather menacing look of disdain at the other boy, his eyes flashing a new brand of possessiveness. "I'm sorry, but I just don't like you like that. I've never even really talked to you much..."  
  
"And you're going with him?" Even before he knew it the words were out of his mouth, dripping with scorn and envy and hatred. And in an even quicker moment he felt Ranma slamming him against the brick wall of the school wall, his forearm and elbow pressing the much thinner boy into the depressions and ruts in the brick. A look into Ranma's eyes told Gosunkugi that this was beginning to slightly get out of hand.  
  
"Yes, she's going with me. I'm taking her, and she's going with me. And I don't want to see you, or anyone else there to screw it up at all. Do you hear me?" Ranma hissed as his grip on the boy intensified even more. "It took a lot of guts and stupidity to ask Akane out in front of my face, considering what I did to Ryouga before, but I'm going to be fair and overlook this from you if you get out of my face and never bother her again for anything. Got that, 'Five-Inch'?" Gosunkugi merely nodded slowly and Ranma eased back off his heels, pushing Gosunkugi towards his books with an easy yet powerful shove.  
  
Gosunkugi stumbled forward, his eyes burning with tears as he leaned down to get his books. Then in a moment of eternal happenstance and chance, he looked up and saw Akane and Ranma walking in together, their smiles shining bright and full in the morning sun. He could see them so clearly as time slowed down to a near crawl; the sparkling warmth in akane's eyes, the surefooted, rock solid expression of confidence and affection on Ranma's. It all crystallized for Gosunkugi in those few short moments as they passed. He saw everything bout their relationship in a few short glances; the Rosetta stone to the Ranma and Akane love affair was laid out for him to see and he couldn't help but look. And all he could see was doors slamming shut in his face. All he could see what one obsession finally, literally, walking away from him.  
  
All the hatred, all the anger, and all the rage he normally had for Ranma all melted away in the warmth of the morning sun. All the emotional lust he had for Akane evaporated before his eyes. All that was left was a silence, clarity of vision that only happens immediately after a war ends. The terrible silence of peace and serenity after a great emotional windfall was all Gosunkugi could feel for that moment in time. He didn't like Akane Tendo anymore, not like he used to. He wasn't angry with Ranma like he used to be. For how could someone be angry at something so beautiful as two people in love?  
  
It was all Gosunkugi could do to just stare at Ranma and Akane as they walked closer and closer to the front door of the school, his shock gluing him to the spot he stood at, his eyes welling with tears and a sad smile on his face. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a car pull up at the front of the school and the door open. Out walked Tatewaki Kuno, his eyes burning with anger and rage, his bokken trembling in his hands as he walked towards the happy couple.  
  
"Saotome! Remove thy filthy hands from the fair Akane Tendo! She is mine, and I shall make her mine today!" he bellowed as he stalked closer and closer, faster and faster. But just as everyone turned to watch the daily Kuno thrashing, a new sound erupted from the edge of the schoolyard. A tortured, howling, almost impassioned scream from the mouth of someone whom nobody thought could make that kind of a sound.  
  
"KUNO! STOP! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THEY'RE A COUPLE? YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Gosunkugi screamed, his voice a shrill, glass-breaking scream. Everyone turned their heads and watched the expression of the once unrequited boy. His eyes were animated and bright, his face was flushed with anger and his breathing came in great heaving gulps. Tatewaki turned and looked at Gosunkugi with a mixture of hatred and angst in his eyes.  
  
"Be gone, wastrel. Akane Tendo is nothing for the likes of you, Gosukugi Hikaru. Silence before I thrash thee into submission," Kuno bellowed as he turned back to Ranma and Akane.  
  
"Kuno, get a clue! You need to just get over it! You're as ugly as I am, you're stalking Akane the way I did, and you're going to get your ass kicked by Ranma! If you're not the idiot everyone thinks you are, just stop. Just let it rest, you fucking moron!" Gosukugi screamed the angry words as his anger overtook him. In that extreme moment of enraged thought, he could see the entire scope of the Nerima scene in front of him. Everyone wanted to be 'the man', when no one could even assume the role of a humane being. And Gosunkugi realized that this was just not the way he could be anymore. "I always knew you were a blind fool, but if you can't see this, you're nothing more then me at my worst! Fucking grow the hell up!!"  
  
With this Gosunkugi turned and began to walk away, the angry words he screamed ringing in his ears. He could hear nothing and he could see nothing. He was an emotionally newborn babe at that moment and it shielded him from the screams of terror that were offered up as he walked away. He just didn't hear them, nor did he heed their warnings to get out of the way. His eyes were too filled with the eagerness of finding out that he finally had become. Like the matador who underestimates the charging bull for just a moment, Gosunkugi never saw the danger roaring behind him. All he could see was a new beginning...a new start...  
  
*****  
  
"So that's it?" Gosunkugi rasped as he felt all the pieces begin to fall into place in his addled mind. "Kuno attacked me as I left the schoolyard?"  
  
"Yes. Before Ranma could get over there and stop him, Kuno was beating you a new heartbeat with his bokken. The doctor told your parents and I that you suffered a punctured lung and a minor coma, along with the 40 broken bones and contusions in your frame." Nabiki cleared her throat slightly, a futile attempt to clear the rather large and uncomfortable lump in her throat that formed as she spoke. "When Ranma distracted Kuno long enough for his eyes to be directed to him, I flagged down a passerby in a car and we dragged you into the backseat and raced you to the hospital. You lost 4 pints of blood on the way. There was fear you wouldn't make it."  
  
"You...helped me?"  
  
"Yes. I am many things, Gosunkugi but I am not cruel. Even to those who work for me. And Kuno crossed the line here."  
  
Gosunkugi nodded slowly and looked over at the wall, his swollen eyes now showing a deeper shade of purple as the day's setting sun cast even deeper shadows along his pocketed face. "And what of Kuno?"  
  
"Ranma beat him within an inch of his life. Ranma beat him like he beat you. He's under restraints downstairs in the psych ward, courtesy of me." Nabiki smiled a grim grin as she noted how much it took for her to get him into the padded bed. "You've been in and out of consciousness for 2 days now. I'm glad to see that Kuno didn't kill you."  
  
"Because you now know you can make more money off me?" Gosunkugi spat acidly, his voice dropping lower and slower on the audible Richter scale.  
  
"No. Because there is honor and then there is dishonor. Kuno showed no honor for beating you like he did. Ranma exacted a measure of fairness by attacking him on your behalf."  
  
"And yet neither he nor Akane has visited me..."  
  
"Why would they? Akane hates you, Gosunkugi. And Ranma doesn't even think you're worth the effort. You're nothing to them."   
  
"And what of you, Nabiki? Why the fuck are you here if I'm worth nothing?" With great pain, Gosunkugi turned his eyes to her and looked at the odd expression on her face. Passionate and cold, caring and unfeeling, Nabiki's face could have been described as someone looking at a dog after it's been fixed.  
  
"The only reason why I know I'm here is because someone needs to get you your work. And I was asked to do so. For a price, I'll even get it done for you. But beyond that, I don't know. I don't like you, and you're just an employee to me." Nabiki answered as honestly as she could to the boy, seeing his face change not a bit in reaction to the pragmatic words she spoke. Gosunkugi lay on the bed for a long moment, his eyes filling with silent tears. The liquid fell from his eyes as he realized that he truly was the dammed of society. He was doomed to be nothing unless he acted.  
  
"Nabiki, I want you to do 3 things for me," Gosunkugi horsed, his eyes never strayed from the wall, his expression never wavering from the thousand meter stare he was locked into. "I want you to contact Professor Hasagawa at Tokyo University and tell him that I'll be taking the opportunity he presented to me as soon as I'm out of this hospital. He'll know what I'm referring to."  
  
"And..." Nabiki said softly, her hands searching her bag for a pen and notebook.  
  
"I want you to begin the procedures to get me transferred out of school. The school I need you to transfer me to is Glow Hill High School, Kashima Region, Fukushima Prefecture."  
  
"Fukushima?"  
  
"Just do it. I'm not telling you why I'm going there, just that I have to go."  
  
"Whatever. Anything else?"  
  
"I want you to give my thanks to Ranma Saotome, and I want you to tell him and Akane that I'm sorry this all had to happen. I made a mistake, and I'm paying for it now." His voice quavered slightly as he tried to come to terms with his folly. Nabiki merely watched his expression and his eyes as he spoke. "I should have realized that Ranma's far less tolerant than I thought."  
  
"Tolerant of what, Gosunkugi?" Nabiki said sharply, her patience beginning to wear thin. "Tolerant of you trying to mess up his and my sister's relationship? How dare you even make this out to be his fault..."  
  
"Nabiki shut up for a moment and look at me." At the hearing of Gosunkugi's flat yet rage filled words, she stopped and waited. "Look at me, Nabiki. This beating is what I received for finally standing up for myself. I, at least was honest with Akane. I told her how I felt and I made a way for me to face my fear. And I was insulted by her fiancée and beaten up by her other stalker. It was a mistake and it was dishonorable, but at least it was real. I'm wrong for doing it, but did I deserve this? I was hurt because of my error, and Ranma is going to get what part of me still wants. He threatened me and he made me feel like I was nothing. And to him and to everyone else, I am nothing.  
  
"The desire for her inside of me hasn't gone away totally." At the utterance of those words, he stopped and looked at Nabiki for a moment, gauging the silent and hidden expressions faintly evident on the blackmailer's face. "As much as this beating should tell me that Akane will never be mine and should never be mine, part of me just can't accept it. Part of me cannot accept that I'm nothing to these people. Part of me will never be able to accept it. But I can get better about it. This much I know.  
  
"Nabiki, I can't be the next Ranma Saotome, or the next Tatewaki Kuno, or the next anybody. It's all I can do to be the first Gosunkugi Hikaru. It's all I can do to be the best Gosunkugi Hikaru there is. And I did that. I got punished for it, but I did it. By dishonoring myself, I found out how little I truly know myself. And now, by leaving, I'm going to do it even more. Everyone hates me, no one wants to get to know me, and there is nothing here for me. So why should I stay? Why should I respect anyone but me?" He let the tears flow down his cheeks and chin, the stoic yet sad expression on his face never changing as he spoke. "Just do as I have asked you, and leave. There is nothing more you can do here except what I need."  
  
"And payment?"  
  
"...So it is always about money with you," He sighed softly and nodded his head, the streaming tears still rippling down his face, "I have some money in my desk drawer at my home. Go there and have my mother get it and give it to you. It should be enough for you. And if it isn't, I'll pay you back the difference. Just go now."  
  
Nabiki started to say something else, but merely got up and walked to the door, her hands busy and fluid as she put her pen and notebook away. Just as she opened the door to the hallway, she stopped and looked back at the boy in the bed. Her heart was filled with an emotion she couldn't place, wouldn't define. She didn't know why she felt the way she did by looking at the pathetic creature before her. "You were always too honest for your own good, Gosunkugi. I hope you get what you deserve."  
  
"Just leave..." Gosunkugi said softly as his eyes continued to look in the far distance. The door shut and he began to cry some more. He cried softly as his heart and mind reviewed the plans he had to make to save himself. The emotional cost of the past few days had been so high that he just couldn't see himself ever trying for someone again. And yet, as his eye slowly moved to take in the last rays of the dying western sun, he felt a strange sense of contentment and peace. He had gone to the mountaintop and found a whole new world in front of him. In giving up everything, he had found that he could now do anything.  
  
The emotional cost was paid in full. 


End file.
